pause

The only thing we can not control in this life is time. It is ticking as soon as we become life form in the mother's womb. The time starts there and then, as soon as we are formed as single cell  and it can never be stopped, no matter what we do. On one hand it gives meaning to our existence while  on the other it is the biggest challenge we face in everyday living. Right now I wish I had pause button, to stop time, just for a little bit, just to have a break, just to breath freely, unaffected by daily problems, dramas, news, myself.

to feel

"In the 1970s, researchers followed people who'd won the lottery and found that a year after they'd hit the jackpot, they were no happier than the people who didn't. They called it hedonic adaptation, which suggests that we each have a baseline level of happiness. No matter what happens, good or bad, the effect on our happiness is only temporary and we tend to rebound to our baseline level."
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy


To feel is to be alive. Sometimes the feelings go away, they are pushed aside, or they simply disappear for a while. But what happens when they do not come back?
In a desperate attempt to feel anything man can do strange things, stupid things, things that might be detrimental to one's being.
How do we get the "feeling" back.. that little thing that lives inside us...Should we just relax and be.. and wait for it to come back or should we do anything that we can?
Some say that being in love makes you alive.. that it is the meaning of our lives.. I used to believe in that.
Then after many disappointments I discovered that we can only live in a moment, in today. There is nothing but present in which we need to emerse ourselves, and enjoy or just be as much as we can.
But then even the moment lost its soul...
What is left if not now?

Past and present

Some  say that we should only live for today, others that our lives are combination of past and present.
How do you deal with your past? Especially when you have many of them.

I have been living in many places, many cities, and few countries.Sometimes I mix all the names, my memory fails me as I try to recall all the faces and events that made my years. These experiences made me who I am, what I am today, yet I am still undefined person.

I have learnt to cherish today, the moment and look forward to today only.
Past is gone, future is unknown as someone said and all we have is today, present.

When past knocks at your door what do you do? Do you answer it, or do you leave it in the past? Do you open old wounds, to remind yourself  of your own mistakes,  to see how strong you have become, or do you proudly walk the path you have chosen... and ignore what is left behind.

Somehow I am unable to leave the past where it belongs. It is my curse, and my punishment, not allowing me to live truly in the present moment. It seems that I always open the door, Pandora's box.
And every time I  do it , I immediately regret it.
It destroys today forever.

paths

Life has created different paths for each of us. If we look at the evolution it is obvious that some people are meant to have partners and offspring in life. It is just work of nature. Otherwise there would be simply too many of us. It is a subtle way of nature that keeps our tally in order.

There are some people who are meant to be alone and who will not find partners or have children in their lifetime. Sad but true.

The question is can we change this, can we alter the course of nature, or our own destiny? Can we really force something that is not meant to be?

Maybe this is a long shot theory but there is a ring of truth in it if you think about your friends or family who have not been "fortunate" enough to be paired in this life.

Butterfly dance

There are few rare moments in one's life when we feel connected with something bigger than ourselves. I had few of those moments in my life.
Last one happened few weeks ago, at the beach.  After conversation with my family about more health problems  I was staring at the sky, trying not to think about things that will come, another era of hospitals and emergency visits.
Looking at the perfect blue sky, no cloud in sight, the overwhelming feeling of something much bigger than our little human self engulfed me. It was peaceful, nice and yet frightening at the same time. I continued to stare refusing to be scared.
Suddenly something white, like flying object appeared in the sky. It was circling, very high in the sky. It was very small, like a tiny dot. It was getting closer, and closer until I finally saw that it was butterfly. I never knew that they can fly so high. Then it disappeared, or I lost the sight of it.
I made a wish and though if it appears again my wish will come true.And there it was, white butterfly again. Suddenly another one appeared. They started to dance together in a beautiful dance in the sky. It was magical moment. Two of them. Pair.
However the moment was very  short lived, like all the beautiful moments in life. It was there in front of my eyes for a few minutes, my soul was happy for a few minutes and that was it.

Does life only rewards us with such short  moments of happiness to give us strength to keep going, or to remind us that there is something more, something deeper and bigger than ourselves?

first time

First blog in my 36 years of existence.


As I am looking at the repertoire of theatres in Belgrade for April nostalgia engulfs me.
It has been 10 years since I have been back to Yugoslavia. I feel like a prisoner who is unable to leave, yet free to move in my car. I can enjoy the beauties of this city yet nothing makes me happy anymore. The beauty of beaches fades in front of my eyes and all I can feel is big emptiness.
It is time to leave this place for a while and revisit the place of my youth. I am hopeful that this dream will become reality in April.
I don't know what to expect so I don't anticipate anything.
All I know is that this island has become too much and it is time to leave it for a while.